it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
