Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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