Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
