there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
