Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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