He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
