im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
