Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
