I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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