I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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