i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
