Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
