i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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