Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize