My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
