she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
