My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
