im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
