HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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