I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
