My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
