my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
