just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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