My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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