You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
