i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
