If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize