Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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