He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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