ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
