I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
