if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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