Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
