So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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