I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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