i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
