You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
