I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
