Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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