just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
