I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
