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My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
