I haven't been this sober since birth.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
