hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My penis needs a shock collar
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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