My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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