when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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