hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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