White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
