Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
