11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
