I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
