I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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