I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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