He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
