Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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