I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
