Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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