how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
