The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish you could order shots online.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
