if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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