i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
