I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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