so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So here I am, sexting at work.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
