Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
