If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
