u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
