I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
